Being Mr. Kenny

Mr and Mrs Strangecheeks and the child that fell out a tree and the wonderful adventure

By Mark Kenny

Ebenezer Strangecheeks was a-wandering in a large field full of cows one day, pondering on such matters as politics and the wonderful world of fishcakes. As he wandered he played a little game that was called, in those parts, cow-tipping. This involved creeping up on an unsuspecting bovine and pushing it over. Ebenezer found this game highly amusing and had played it for most of his life. Today was a good day, and he had already downed five. He was just approaching his sixth when the cow turned to face him and Ebenezer noticed two great big tears rolling down its face. Being a sensitive soul, Ebenezer burst into tears himself and ran all the way home tripping some twenty-six times, breaking a village record held by a certain Mrs Ficklebits, 81, of Rosemount Crescent. The cow watched him run, and when he was of sight, exploded into peals of laughter. The erstwhile tipped cows (“downcows”) failed to see the funny side, and picking up apples threw them after Ebenezer, shouting “Bastard” and “Next time you do that, see what you get back, you sweaty little maggot!”

Back at home, Ebenezer spent the next four and a half hours sobbing on his bed. He sobbed so much his eyes never fully recovered their natural shape. He sobbed here, and he sobbed there, and for the rest of his life would be known as Strangecheeks-but-stranger-eyes. He finally stopped when Cerise (his beloved wife) hit him round the face and on the top of his head with a dustpan and brush. Immediately upon being slapped Ebenezer’s eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell over backwards as stiff as a board. Cerise thought this ridiculous and dragged him outside onto the lawn. He remained there for three days, unmoving, in exactly the same position. In the time he was outside he grew a beard.

Back inside the house, Cerise was sitting reading the hate mail when the telephone rang. Suddenly seized by a terrible panic, she ran out of the door and away over the hills until she came to the next village where she sat herself very decidedly under a tree. It was at that moment that the most wonderful thing happened. Cerise heard a rustling in the leaves above her and as she watched a large green egg came tumbling through the branches and fell into her lap smashing to pieces and splashing its foul smelling contents all over her lovely clean clothes. Soon another egg was making its way down attached to a length of string. When the egg was floating in front of her face Cerise decided that it might be nice for tea, and tried to detach it. Finding it was adhered very firmly (the sellotape had gone a bit gooey) she gave the string a sharp tug, and a filthy looking urchin fell out of the branches of the tree. Cerise laughed out loud and was seized by another one of her terrible panics and got up so quickly she hit her head on the branch above her and collapsed unconscious onto the ground. The child looked at her and proceeded to drag her by the feet away from the tree and in the direction of a very large dark cave.

In the cool of the cavern Cerise Strangecheeks began to revive, but back at the garden Ebenezer was just beginning to realise that he had been lying there for some time. Seized by a terrible panic at the thought he ran away and into a very large dark cave in the side of a mountain where he fell down a ravine.

Falling for over two weeks, Ebenezer had adjusted to life in freefall and when he hit the ground it was understandably quite a shock. Luckily he fell into a pile of what seemed to be cheese so he didn’t hurt anything except his ego (one can become quite arrogant when one spends such a length of time falling into a ravine). Ebenezer was just about to get up and run away (for he had been seized by a terrible panic) when he heard a rather austere voice above him say:

“Ebenezer Strangecheeks, stay exactly where you are, you terrible bastard, you sweaty little maggot. You dare get up and I will come and crush your bones, and burn your hair, and steal your shoes so that I may nibble upon your toes, you disgusting little fish-stink, you hideous rotting stink-horn of pus”.

Ebenezer obeyed the voice, but still allowed himself to be quietly seized by a terrible panic.

The source of the voice was one of Ebenezer’s downcows from earlier in the month. She was dangling from a very long rope, fastened to it by a bright pink harness, and was being lowered somewhat unevenly, so that she moved in stops and starts. As she came closer to the ground she was slowly rotating. She didn’t appear to let this get in the way, however, and continued to hurl abuse downwards even when facing away from poor Ebenezer who was rather bewildered by the whole experience.

“You horrendous little muppet! You worthless slice of rancidity! May your ears fall off into the flames of hell! How DARE you deignto even think you have the right to toy with this Mighty Herd of Cows! You foul miscreant! You gruesome little – ”

But she was cut short mid-insult because she had just fallen about three feet at once.

“You blundering cretins – can’t you get anything right! I said to relay the rope smoothly! Are you trying to drop me? You’re ruining the effect!”

Ebenezer heard a few sniggers coming from somewhere towards the top of the ravine and it was difficult to keep a straight face. Somehow he managed it, and he was all seriousness by the time the cow’s rear feet were in contact with the ground.

***

During the period her husband was falling into the ravine Cerise had been looked after by the urchin. He owned a small underground cottage and she had been staying in the spare room. All in all she had found it quite agreeable, and was sorry when the urchin told her it was time to meet her estranged husband.

“Oh do I really have to go? Can’t I just stay here with you? We can make cakes and scones and have the local children to tea – it would be so lovely!” The urchin looked at her sorrowfully and replied:

“Alas, I wish that it could be so, but you must go to meet your helpmeet.” So sadly she made her goodbyes, and turned to descend the steps that would lead her to the chamber where her husband could be found. She stepped out of the rough staircase hewn into the rock, and walked in to witness a very curious thing indeed. A cow was standing upright on its hind legs, struggling with what seemed to be fuschia coloured mountaineering gear. Ebenezer was standing in front of her trying to help but just generally getting in the way. She kept waving his hands away and tutting periodically.

“Ebenezer Strangecheeks, stop being such a meddling old fool!” shouted the cow. Ebenezer fell over at this outburst, and looked quite forlorn about being shouted at by a cow. The cow laughed one little amused “ha” as if to say “men!” and this made Cerise laugh. When she had finished her fussing she rose to her full height of eight feet and addressed him brusquely.

“Ebenezer Strangecheeks, I take it you know why you have been brought here?”

Ebenezer looked bemused; “I wasn’t, I fell down here by accident.”

“You were drawn here by mysterious and wonderful forces, you impertinent fool! You were taken here in order that you might learn an important lesson. You must learn, Ebenezer Strangecheeks, that this game you call ‘cow-tipping’ is nothing but a disgraceful and cruel activity. You must learn to curb these urges in yourself, and you must learn to respect the cows of this world. You never know when you may need to call on our expertise.”

Ebenezer looked shamefully down at his feet and nodded his agreement.

“I’m terribly sorry, your Grace, I shall never do it again.”

“Good! Make sure that you don’t! I am glad that we have come to have this little chat.” The cow smiled maternally. “Now, won’t you help me with my harness, my dear.”

Ebenezer leapt to assist his new friend, and as she rose from sight a small choir of cows sang a heavenly chorus of soft ‘aaah’s. Ebenezer stood for a while after she had become quite small, just staring at the point where she had disappeared from view, and then Cerise sneezed and broke the spell/ruined the moment, depending on how you wanted to look at it. He was quite embarrassed as he wiped the tear from his eye. He looked at his wife and she walked across the squelchy cheesy floor, took his hand, and they walked up the steps to where the urchin lived. Cerise knocked at his door but there was no answer. She knocked again, but still there was no answer. While Cerise was trying the back door, Ebenezer stooped to pick up something that had caught his eye. It was a small model of a cow made of silver. Ebenezer thought of his new-found friend’s words “you never know when you might need to call on our expertise” and knew that sometime in the future they would meet again.

Cerise and Ebenezer left the cave and began to walk home. They walked in silence, interrupted only by Ebenezer’s coughing and Tourette’s-ian shouts, and Cerise’s sneezes. They arrived home a few hours later and climbed the stairs to bed.

The next morning they awoke to a tapping at their window pane. Indeed! A chicken had worked its way onto their windowsill, and was pecking at the glass. Finding this amusing, Cerise and Ebenezer laughed raucously for a good ten minutes until breakfast which consisted of cornflakes. As they poured the milk they sat in silence, each being seized by terrible panics from time to time.

The End