Being Mr. Kenny

Mrs J.D. Stinkerton III was an imperious woman. She employed a team of ten men to carry her around the town on a platform from which she would spit on the people around her. The people were never very pleased that she had done this, so they would pick up stones to throw at her.

Mrs J.D. Stinkerton III was also a very fat woman, and she hardly felt the stones that came her way. They bounced off her ample flesh, and she would laugh and laugh and laugh, hurling abuse and spitting all the more. Occasionally one of the stones would hit her in the face and leave a bright purple bruise. It was then that she would get angry and command her men to take her home. Once home she would order four cakes, two of which she ate, and two of which she would break up into little pieces and throw against the walls. The room was never cleaned; Mrs J.D. Stinkerton had expressly forbidden it, and the remains of the cakes had become quite mouldy. Mrs J.D. Stinkerton III quite liked this quality, however, so she sat on the floor eating her cakes. As she sat, she would look thoughtfully at the walls, cramming the confection into her mouth. Mrs J.D. Stinkerton III was pleased, overall, with her life.

It was while she was eating one of her cakes that there came a knock at the door. The door was opened by one of her staff, and a small, dark, unkempt figure was admitted to the house. He was shown into the cake room, and Mrs Stinkerton regarded him for a few moments before trying to get up. She couldn’t, so she decided to stay where she was. She opened her mouth to speak––and then fell through the floor.

She fell down into the basement of her house and landed on a pile of mattresses, which was lucky, and as she lay on them, looking up at the hole in the ceiling, she saw the small, dark man peering down at her.

And then they both burst into flames, and that was that. Curiously, the flames didn’t consume them, and they remained like that for the rest of their lives. Mrs Stinkerton found that being on fire lent her a great deal of authority when she was paraded around town. The people would run away in terror from this apparition coming their way, and Mrs Stinkerton would stand up and shake her fist at them menacingly. No-one threw stones at her any more.