Stories
From time to time I write a story and post it here. My stories are … unusual, but people seem to like them, and missed them when I took them down a while ago, so here they are, reposted and much easier to manage!
I hope they amuse, that’s what they’re here for ;)
- Maggie Thatcher, and the crazy crustaceous adventures of Parliament »
An historically accurate look at the life and times of Margaret Thatcher’s handbag, and its importance in the history of British politics.
- Know what I hate? »
A story about something I’ve noticed a lot of authors do. It doesn’t actually annoy me, to be honest, but I thought I’d play with the concept anyway.
- Mrs J.D. Stinkerton the third »
Ah, this is a good one. It’s about a horrible woman called Mrs JD Stinkerton, who is the third to bear that name, apparently. The bad guy wins in the end! I also particularly like the mysterious shadowy character, I may write him into another story.
- Snots »
This is a love story about a man called Snots and a woman called Swineburne. As love stories go, there’s not much romance, but it does involve a lot of jam and some artificial wasps.
- The story of how the Queen came to manage a small tequila bar in Mexico, and eventually became the Pope — OR — How Henry VIII came to spin in his grave »
This is based on a true story which I invented. I like the way it rewrites ecclesiastical history.
- The lady who had pins in her face »
Here is another story which doesn’t seem to have much cohesion, but I like it. I guess I liked the mental image of a lady with exquisite pins protruding from her face. Don’t think of them as causing pain, but as facial adornments, that’s how it was supposed to be taken.
- Women are from Venus, Judith is from Mars »
I think I started writing this when I couldn’t sleep one night. It’s about a woman who goes to an adventure park which burns to the ground. She takes revenge on the owner of the park, and with just three survivors she sets out to make political history.
- Calamity Jim »
I was inspired to write this by my disinclination towards Jimmy Saville (can you be disinclined towards people?). I think it is masterful.
- The Disgusting Tale of Mr and Mrs Figgis »
As often happens with my stories, I wrote it starting with the title. I particularly like the use of the verb slough, which came from a biology lecture.
- One add two (three letter word stories) »
Stories written with words made up of only three letters. The rules are very simple: you must only use three letter words (naturally). You may use up to three foreign words in each story if you can’t find a good English one. You are expressly forbidden from splitting long words up into three-letter groups, or misspelling a word to make it fit.
- Klimps the mad parrot »
I am ecstatically pleased with this story. It’s the most I’ve ever written in one sitting. It also uses two names from a play I wrote when I was in year 9, Mrs Bink and Klimps.
- Proops the butler and the terrible smell »
This one is fantastically dark. It’s about a criminally insane Butler with a penchant for corpses, but he only likes to collect them and use them as puppets.
- Mr McGoogoo’s nose »
This is about a man who has a massive nose and who undergoes plastic surgery to have it removed. The nose doesn’t take too kindly to the operation but recovers well and names himself Morgan before becoming a national treasure in Denmark.
- Blamgrab the wonder wizard and the magic bathplug »
This is the earliest story in the collection! I wrote it when I was not much older than about 15. I quite like it. It uses the phrase “still white-hot from re-entry” which I used once before in another story to refer to a Barbie doll that smashed through a window once.
- The Girl and the Wondercake »
This is about a girl who makes a wonderful cake and then falls in love with a boy. She has a secret friend which is a special animal that lives on the moon, the Engertip.
- Mr and Mrs Strangecheeks and the child that fell out a tree and the wonderful adventure »
This whole story came from the name Ebeneezer, which is a great name. It’s the name of a chapel in Bath that’s now a Methodist Church. It’s about a couple whose lives are changed by some cows.
- Oops, there goes Richard »
This story is another one written about a real celebrity, but it’s not so subtle as Calamity Jim. It’s a bit naughty, but it does contain a little disclaimer at the end!
- Red Riding Locks »
This is about a little girl who loses her family. In the literal sense — she can’t find them anywhere! She lives on the moon with her pet fly, Malcolm. There was going to be an companion story, GoldiHood and the Three Bears, but it’s been a few yeras now and I don’t think it’ll be forthcoming any time soon…
- Critically evaluate the role of bird predation in the increase of the melanic form of the peppered moth in 19th and 20th century Britain. »
I wrote this story while I was in the middle of writing an essay for my biology degree. It wasn’t an essay I particularly enjoyed, hence the anti-scientist stance.
- How to dissect a nose »
Inspiration for this story came when I found that someone had found my site by typing “how to dissect a nose” into Google. It’s not really about anything, and seems to meander without coming to a solid conclusion, but it does have some fantastic names: Mr Cabbage, Mr Chips McBetter, Father Food McBoob, Fifi la Gouche, and who can forget Dr Phlange?
- Mrs Mouth and the Magpie »
This story is harsh and bloody. I like it. It’s about a woman who wakes up to find herself being viciously attacked by a magpie. She is blinded by the bird, but forms a special attachment to it as she discovers that it intends to stay with her for life.
- The Terrible End of Nanny Goosebumps »
This one was seeded from the name “Nanny Goosebumps”, and quickly became a little macabre.
- Clams and Philestines »
I wrote this story one lunchtime when I was but 17 years of age. It’s about a married couple who have an argument, and the various animals who live in their house, and who come out when the people aren’t about.