Whole milk
OK, moths, whatever. Who cares about moths. That was last week, it’s all over between me and moths. Right now, it’s all about whole milk.
Guys, whole milk is going to save your life. Seriously, whole milk is the best thing ever in the whole world; if you’re not drinking it you should really take a good long look at your life and ask yourself some pretty serious questions. I found the following text about whole milk in the library this one time. I can’t remember what I was doing there, certainly not studying since I was a retard and a fool when I was a student, but I might have wandered in with a vague idea that they might be selling chocolate in there or something.
Incidentally, the guys that invented chocolate also invented libraries. Not a lot of people know that.
Whole milk was first invented in 1855 when Queen Elizabeth the first got so fed up with “rat’s ass semi-skimmed” * that her hair set on fire. It burnt for a good six weeks solid after that — burning with all the fury of a woman scorned (which, as we all know from the saying, not even hell has such fury **).
At first it took a while for people to get used to it. Some took to it instantly, and loved it like the son they never had. Some hated it, and they were burnt at the stake as heretics. This was later covered up by the government by saying that they were being burnt for being Catholics, or something, but the truth was that insults against whole milk were punishable by death.
Since those dark days, public appreciation of whole milk has improved, as has tolerance for those who choose not to drink whole milk. There are indeed many alternatives to whole milk. One can drink semi-skimmed, skimmed, or even soy milk, though I am reliably informed that soy milk isn’t actually milk. Based on early reports from the 8th century it’s either a liquid form of hatred that was first invented to execute dangerous criminals, or the collected tears of Herod, of infant-killing fame. We’re just not sure about soy milk. It’s best to keep away from it at all times, and if you have to handle it make sure you’re wearing the proper safety equipment.
So whole milk was invented in 1855. What a year that was, too. It saw the invention of the wheel, the car, the television and the iPod. Tony Blair rose to power, and Margaret Thatcher was immortalised when they made a sculpture out of (believe it or not) whole milk.
That’s the end of my made up lies about whole milk.
“Whole milk: You either drink it, or you don’t.” — Albert Einstein.
* Her words, not mine.
** “Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned”