Nikki: RIP
So here I am, talking about Big Brother like it’s a serious subject. But who cares, this is the first post in absolutely ages, and almost nothing I say after the full stop at the end of this sentence should be taken seriously anyway.
This year’s Big Brother has been much better than the previous years’ offerings. The first one was good, the rest were pointless and boring, but this one has redeemed all, simply with the level of insanity and melodrama that’s been stuffed into it.
Big Brother 2006 has left me with new standards for the rest of television. If you can’t promise me that someone is going to threaten to commit suicide, live on air for my entertainment, well then, frankly you can take your reality TV show to your boss and cite it as evidence that you should be thrown off a very tall building into a live volcano. But be sure to film it, otherwise your death will have been for naught.
Enough paltry nonsense! We want the emotionally unstable and the mentally ill!
Someone I will dearly miss is Nikki. From the start she has provided us with more tantrums and fuss than anyone could have thought possible. I have watched her complaining to other housemates and Big Brother and marvelled at the beauty of her technique! It should be how everyone complains about something from now on. She would take a complaint to its logical conclusion, and once there, she just viciously battered it into something wonderful. To be honest, I’m surprised that life wasn’t spontaneously created around her, just due to the sheer brilliance of it all.
She took the act of moaning, and made it into an art. (Who else thinks that that’s not anywhere near enough hyperbole?) She took the art of moaning, and made it into something resembling a demi-god. And she has done so with one of the most exquisitely expressive faces known to humankind. They ought to just cancel all adverts ever and just get her to hold the product and just talk. She wouldn’t even have to say anything to do with the product, she could just say the first random words that came into her head — even little boring words like “if, but, to, and, how” — and I would buy whatever it was they were selling.
In fact, I am so impressed with Big Brother 2006, that I am going to quote two of my favourite sentences ever in its honour:
His head opened and stuff came out and turned red. Piggy’s arms and legs twitched a bit, like a pig’s after it has been killed.
It grieves, horrifies and deeply, deeply offends me to see that the British public have voted Nikki out. It really does make me question the value of democracy. If Britons can make such a grave and and morbidly terrible mistake, should we really have the right to choose who governs us?
Well yes, but at the very least, the people who voted for her ought to have all the modern technology removed from their houses, and be made to live like Victorians — for the rest of their lives! The confiscated machines could then be sold and all the proceeds would go to Nikki. It must be done! It must be done!
