Being Mr. Kenny

I like silly things. I like doing silly things, reading about silly things, and occasionally I like to write silly things to companies.

Below is a letter I wrote to Maynards (technically speaking, Cadbury Trebor Bassett, but who cares for ‘technically’, anyway).

I fully did write this, as well :)

My dear sirs,

I have long enjoyed Maynard’s Wine Gums. Since my early years they have ranked among chocolate, coffee, French cheese and various types of mousse in my enjoyment of foods. Imagine my distress, then, when I opened and snacked upon a pack of Wine Gums, the package of which I have enclosed.

The package contained, as they are wont, the usual number of wine gums, presented, as they are, as a stack — a totem pole, if you will — of delicious chewy confections. My dismay was quite unrelated to the quality of the sweets. Occasionally one finds a confectioner with less-than-excellent standards of stock rotation. These fellows frequently allow food to remain on the shelves for extended lengths of time which renders the usually soft and sumptious wine gums hard and unforgiving.

Sirs, I do not even begin to joke.

No, my discomfort and woe were brought on by a more mathematical problem. Namely, the proportion of colours to be found in the pack. Verily, I feast upon the black and the red varieties, but what calamity befell me? Why, I found no black sweets and but one red.

O, esteemed sirs, I freely confess that I was crestfallen. Nay, I was not inconsolable — take solace in it — but crestfallen nonetheless.

I do not write to request a refund. Mere money is not required. Neither, sirs, do I write to beseech a free sample of red and black wine gums. (Though one would not go amiss, I assure you, kind sirs.)

I write merely to express my sorrow, and gentle regret. Some time has passed since I made my discovery, and the pain has assuaged. Yet I feel it only proper to write to convey my sentiments.

I enclose, for your edification, a copy of this letter with all the vowels removed.

Yours faithfully,

Mark Kenny, BSc.

I await their response.

Here’s the vowell-less copy, for those interested in that kind of thing.

My dr srs,

hv lng njyd Mynrd’s Wn Gms. Snc my rly yrs thy hv rnkd mng chclt, cff, Frnch chs nd vrs typs f mss n my njymnt f fds. mgn my dstrss, thn, whn pnd nd snckd pn pck f Wn Gms, th pckg f whch hv nclsd.

Th pckg cntnd, s thy r wnt, th sl nmbr f wn gms, prsntd, s thy r, s stck — ttm pl, f y wll — f dlcs chwy cnfctns. My dsmy ws qt nrltd t th qlty f th swts. ccsnlly n fnds cnfctnr wth lss-thn-xcllnt stndrds f stck rttn. Ths fllws frqntly llw fd t rmn n th shlvs fr xtndd lngths f tm whch rndrs th slly sft nd smpts wn gms hrd nd nfrgvng.

Srs, d nt vn bgn t jk.

N, my dscmfrt nd w wr brght n by mr mthmtcl prblm. Nmly, th prprtn f clrs t b fnd n th pck. Vrly, fst pn th blck nd th rd vrts, bt wht clmty bfll m? Why, fnd n blck swts nd bt n rd.

, stmd srs, frly cnfss tht ws crstflln. Ny, ws nt ncnslbl — tk slc n t — bt crstflln nnthlss.

d nt wrt t rqst rfnd. Mr mny s nt rqrd. Nthr, srs, d wrt t bsch fr smpl f rd nd blck wn gms. (Thgh n wld nt g mss, ssr y, knd srs.)

wrt mrly t xprss my srrw, nd gntl rgrt. Sm tm hs pssd snc md my dscvry, nd th pn hs ssgd. Yt fl t nly prpr t wrt t cnvy my sntmnts.

ncls, fr yr dfctn, cpy f ths lttr wth ll th vwls rmvd.

Yrs fthflly,

Mrk Knny, BSc.

Update: they wrote back :D