Being Mr. Kenny

Writing of late has taken a turn for the worse. This is such a pity. At the moment, all I want to blog about is the fact that I rarely use YouTube because downloads take so long. I watch about half of it, then get irritated and go somewhere else.

Seriously, this is the sum total of what I want to share with the internet at the moment.

Let me see if there’s anything else. This is a blog, after all, so what deep, personal issues can I talk about? Well… I guess I’m happier at the moment than I’ve ever been. Everyone hates reading that on blogs though, so hmm… what quirky funny observations can I make about life to keep you entertained. After all you took the trouble to visit this blog, so you ought to get some sort of recompense. And also, the pink bar at the top there has just scorched your retinas, I should do something to make it up to you.

So what can I babble on about… I had something planned about decaf coffee, so let’s see where that takes us. I love coffee, I’ve been a massive fan of coffee for a couple of years, and as a consequence I have all the pretentious aversions to decaf of a true coffee lover.

Seriously, guys, decaf is evil! Decaf coffee doesn’t actually exist, because once you remove the caffeine it is no longer coffee. I like making pointless stands against things that irritate me. I believe I have already confessed on this blog that I will never give any money to Domino’s pizza. This is not because they are selling dodgy baby milk to Africa, or because they use forced labour, or any other worthy reason for boycotting a company.

No, it is because I hate their stupid adverts that ruin the Simpsons every time you sit down to watch it (British TV). Seriously, that is my motive for avoiding Domino’s. Let’s be honest, I probably don’t care much — at all if I’m honest — but it’s nice to think that somewhere, a Domino’s executive is reading this, saying “Oh bugger, we’ve lost a customer.”

Anyway, my pointless protest against decaf coffee has led me to think up a solution: recaf coffee. This is ordinary, decaf coffee that the undergoes further processing to have the caffeine put back in. Think about it! It’s the perfect ironic protest! You can drink your coffee and be smug, knowing that you are sticking it to the man!

There are a few setbacks to this plan. Firstly, there are probably only about six people in the whole world who would be petty enough to actually buy it. Secondly, all that processing would make the coffee taste absolutely horrible. Thirdly, everyone would get really bored of the protest and just drink real coffee in the first place, so millions of pounds would be completely wasted!

I’m going to use this last paragraph to make one of my classic U-turns and say that those three setbacks are actually reasons to do this. I’m going to write a hoax letter to a coffee company and see what their response is.