Being Mr. Kenny

That’s all.

In my recent post Björk — Volta I may have given readers the impression that I knew what the word “purport” meant.

This was not the case.

I used it to mean “put forward the idea” whereas it really means “to appear to be or do”.

I unreservedly apologise.

Let me make one thing clear. I despise record reviews. I think they’re always written by

Sorry, those sentences weren’t going anywhere. I liked them though, so instead of deleting them I’m going to leave them there with a line through.

Anyway, record reviews. When the writer has taken great pains to squash as much praise into his words as his humanly possible, it makes me want to run him over with a lawnmower. Disgusting! Disgusting! Disgusting! So it is with this thought that I start my review.

I have been a fan of Björk since my friend introduced me to her when I was 16. She got me into music, and I have been a loyal fan of hers ever since. When I bought Vespertine, I was horrified to discover that I didn’t like it. I blamed myself, of course, and after hours of hard work it clicked and it took up residence in my head like some sort of parasite (or foetus, depending on whether or not you like Björk) for years afterwards.

That exercise, I purport, stretched my ears out of shape. I now cannot listen to music unless at least one of the instruments is amplified earwigs walking across wax that was made by blind nuns in Norway. If there’s not trombones played backwards, underwater, by buffaloes, I don’t want to know.

The upside of that is that Volta, Björk’s 6th or 8th studio album depending on how you count things, made instant and complete sense to me the first time I heard it. It took about half a listen to get into it, and now it’s sitting in my head further messing up my musical tastes.

So that’s enough of this review!

I am seriously and profoundly inspired by the use of a comma in the title of that movie, Girl, Interrupted. I think I am going to start using it more and more.

Mark, Kenny.
Internet, Explorer.
Sports, bra.

Maybe even in the middle of words.

Re, fridgerator.
Anti, histamine.
Liv, er.

I think it adds a pensive ponderous quality to things.

Why don’t you join me as I explore this new world of unexpected punctuation.

Punctuation, unexpected.

See? It really works!

The answer is that two of them feature in a new story. I suppose that leaves me out of the whole “having things in common” theme of the question. Well never mind, questions aren’t statements, they don’t need to make sense.

Giblet?

So I wrote another story. This time it’s in the form of half-truths concerning Margaret Thatcher. I say “half-truths” because really they are all outrageous lies, but it’s funnier if you think of them as half-truths.

I am an awesome typist, by the way. I just love typing. If you’ve got any typing to do, I’m your man. Just let me type, I’ll show you some things.

Anyway, check out my awesome story, Maggie Thatcher and the crustaceous adventures of Parliament.

Incidentally, try using the word “crustaceous” in your everyday speech. It’s a replacement for “cool”.

“That’s totally crustaceous!”

I very much want to buy Volta, but there are rules and regulations about these things, and I must adhere to them.

1. It must be the British release. This means it has to have a catalogue number in the following format: TPLPxxxCD, where xxx is the release number. It absolutely must be the One Little Indian release, I can’t be doing with international formats, blah blah blah. I’m very particular about these things. I have sent CDs back that bear the wrong cat number!
2. It should be bought from a shop, a physical shop, and cash should ideally be used to pay for it. If it is bought from a shop, it has to be taken from the B section, and there must be other Björk albums around it. Buying from a shop is the only way to be sure it’s the right release. Otherwise you could be getting any sort of crap from Universal or whoever.

That’s it for the rules, to be honest. I think I’ve confessed enough OCD to the internet to be getting on with. Next week: why coffee should always be stirred in the clockwise direction, while tea must always, ALWAYS, be stirred anti-clockwise. Other drinks, like hot chocolate, can be stirred either way, depending on what day of the week it is.

PS: I don’t really care about which way I stir my hot beverages. But the stuff about the Björk albums is all true.

Fadagger dagger? Gobtogger willit. Slitty eshnat fedizzle pet? Gobrad Binniter. Scom! Skatetcher fadingle. Badder wizzle slit fish nacker. Gobrad Shandocraty. Fajetter fingle wizzer bit shiddy wot. Haratty bindle fick, baletter widget: fander wotcha botter. Fanrocker bindle bange, yut poodle fish min *.

Wiglet finger tod bishit fad dammer. Gibret ing go toggler mit yungle barray? Fingle grat dinger wish. Bom bom ga babbler, bod sanglet and fishter peretti widdle. Bang baddler! Bang baddler fer witcher tit! Grad grad batch tiddler wit, bit pitter fod dom.

Thatt batatter, bay ringle mish fanger. Lott oringer, baggle terrid mitch finth. Bandroleddy, futter wong buddle. Tetty tetty bit rinder? Mut scritty gob dangler fetchit. Und ferrets gid grangle.

Muchett wit bitter! Gammer.

* Gabler: an grander thint pinter, eg rang binny twit.