Being Mr. Kenny

I would like to put forward the theory that Insomnia is a real place, ruled by a dread queen, whose name is Vigil, and who sits upon a throne carved out of the frozen tears of orphans. I believe it is a place that can be visited, and some day a wonderful prince will storm her terrible castle and slay her to set humanity free from her wicked clutch.

And then her sister, Hypnos, the goddess of sleep, will be loosed to the world to set free all her call upon her name. But first we’ll have to find her. For you see, as the story goes, she forgot who she was and started working as a temp in some office. This is why all admin work is incredibly boring and makes you want to go to sleep: she has blessed it, quite unwittingly, with her wonderful gift of soporific joy.

“Slay the bitch! Slay the bitch!” we’ll cry as our hero raises his sword to cut off our enemy’s hideous head.

I can’t sleep tonight, in case you hadn’t already guessed. This happens to me sometimes, it’s like something in my head just goes “Ping! No sleep tonight!” and instead of flicking the Great Cerebral Off Switch, I open the Tap of Never-ending Thoughts and then get to sit there right under it, as a river of pointless trivia flows straight through my head. Sometimes this pointless trivia is negative in nature, and I worry about a bunch of stuff, but sometimes it’s stupid day-dreams that aren’t actually all that bad in themselves.

Like I might think about a recent happy conversation, and replay it over and over. Or I might think up a series of jokes that I could tell in certain situations. Really specific situations, mind, I’m always really annoyed these situations never crop up in real life, I would be the funniest person alive if they did. Well, in my head at least.

It all reminds me very much of my dog, Nelly. My dog loves to play with sticks. If she finds a stick, she is the happiest dog in the entire world, and will run around with it regardless of size. If she came across a fallen Sequoia, she would happily set about picking it up and running around with it. But woe betide the fool who tries to get the stick off her. For then the game intensifies and it becomes a battle as to who can hold on the longest. Or at least, who can find something to hit the dog on the head with to make her let go.

And that’s what my mind is like. At 3 in the morning. When I’m trying to sleep. It just won’t bloody well let go of its thoughts, and the harder you try to get them off it, the harder it pulls back. Except it’s only hurting itself because when it can’t sleep it gets miserable. Stupid mind! It’s supposed to be the cleverest part of me!

I am going to chalk all of this up to being unfulfilled in life. Or something. I need more outlet for my incredible stores of energy, and being a waiter isn’t quite cutting it. So for those of you who pray, could you possibly pray for the restaurant where I work to burn down but for no-one to get hurt? I feel a good burning down of my workplace would solve a great many problems. And I don’t think I’m alone in that sentiment.

I was going to say something about it being Monday tomorrow, but of course that’s absurd. It’s Monday right now. For shame.

For shame!