Secret Posts with Mark Kenny
Today’s secret is: I have really yellow teeth.
And I don’t even think this is because they are hideously stained or anything like that. I think they are just yellow. Like if you pulled one out and cut it cross-sectionally, it would be yellow all the way through.
Just as a quick aside, this makes me think that teeth could be like trees, putting on extra rings with each year. Much like oysters make pearls by covering grit with layers and layers of, well, pearl.
It would be really funny, your teeth would get so incredibly thick they’d just explode out of your head one day and you’d die. Imagine how different human life would be if this was the case. We’d all only live til about 30 years old, depending on how quick we put on teeth layers, and how thick they were. And the last years of our lives would be filled with incredible agony.
And some people would cheat the system by having all their teeth removed. In fact most people would probably. Except people that couldn’t afford it, and you’d get a two-class system forming: those with teeth and those without. It would be a pretty weird society.
As quick asides go, that wasn’t really very quick. But it was interesting nonetheless. Years from now, people will look back on that aside, and remark about how interesting it is.
Anyway, back to my yellow teeth. I’ve tried whitening toothpastes and stuff and it doesn’t seem to work. Maybe I drink too much coffee for it to have any proper effect, or maybe my teeth really are naturally that yellow. Or maybe everybody’s teeth are quite yellow anyway.
If you want to know how yellow they were, I would say probably something like #ffe473. Yeah, that seems about right.
Geek jokes!
Anyway, I’m not all that fussed about it. I quite like my teeth. When I was little, my mum said that having yellow teeth means that they’re strong, and I’ve always been happy to swallow that platitude. It’s one step short of saying, “You’re not disabled, you’re special.” Only, you know, about teeth.
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I wouldn’t worry about yellow teeth, my human friend. We get all the colours of the rainbow on bodies in the jungle. Would you believe that baboons have blue arses? And that female hyenas have orange fannies? Orange, yes!
Wow, blue arses and orange fannies. What will they think of next?
Turquoise penises?
Now you’re just being silly.
I have yellow teeth too. There you go. Normal people do have yellow teeth, teeth ARE yellow, people with white teeth are fake, white teeth are the result of crowns or tippex.
Cheers
BC
Sounds like you’ve been brainwashed from an early age into believing yellow teeth are acceptable. They most definitely are not. The fact that you felt the need to try whitening toothpastes proves that, deep down, you really believe this as well. Stop kidding yourself already and get the teeth whitening you so obviously need. You and the people that have to see your smile will be the better for it.
Ha ha, great comment.