Being Mr. Kenny

I was sharing a taxi with some straight boys a few weeks ago, and one of them began reminiscing about some girl he had once seen, and about how lovely her breasts were.

My interest in breasts ended about the same time I started eating solid foods, but I’ve always felt pressured to make some sort of contribution to these discussions. Usually I’ll say something like “Oh, I’m more of a man’s man myself” hoping that they catch my drift, but in this particular discussion I spied a chance to make an excellent pun.

I said, wistfully, “Memories… Mammaries!”

Now, surely this must be the wittiest pun ever to be uttered in the history of gay men in taxis, but I didn’t get a response. They didn’t even have the decency to stare at me blankly!

Well, let me tell you, that’s the last time I ever indulge in witticisms whilst using public transport. The last time, I say!

Today I discovered that it is quite taxing, mentally, to chew and cut up a pizza at the same time. I found this out when I had to gobble down my free pizza from work so I could start my shift on time. Maybe it’s the male thing, not being able to do to things at the same time, or maybe it’s the fact that chewing actually does take up quite a lot of attention, who knows. Maybe we will never get the answers.

Mark Kenny is 22 and holds an Honours degree in Biology.

I work in a restaurant where they play the same 6 twenty-track CDs in a loop each day. You’d think that I’d slowly grow to hate this music passionately, but the reality is much, much worse.

I’ve actually grown to like it.

Maybe this is like some sort of Stockholm syndrome for music, I don’t know. Or it might be the next step in my Progress Towards Maturity. Most probably, it signals that a small piece of me has died, namely my youth. I am finally not a teenager. For 9 years I longed to be able to utter those words, and now I know how that woman that wrote that poem about wearing purple feels: I must make up for the sobriety of my youth!

(Please note, I am not condoning that poem in any way — I actually find it a little annoying — but it just struck me that it might be appropriate to throw in a reference to poetry to make myself look clever.)

In completely unrelated news: I went shopping for fruit the other day and the guy whose shop it was said “I thank you” in that comedy way where you sort of say “I yang yor” really quickly. You probably have no idea what I’m talking about. No matter. The point was he was being completely serious! I was charmed and disgusted in equal measure.

Oh, and I had a crappy day at work today, so I did the whole, “eat a French cheese in thirty minutes” thing again. Only this time I threw in some white chocolate chip cookies for good measure. Comfort food has never tasted so good! Especially when you realise that you just did ten hours straight and only got paid £50 for the pleasure. Woo-hoo! Minimum wage misery!

(By ‘threw in’ I mean I ate them sequentially, not at the same time.)

According to a tabloid newspaper which shall remain nameless (because I have forgotten which one it was) Kim Jong Il thinks that there are three types of fool in the 21st Century: people who are ignorant about music, people who are ignorant about computers, and smokers.

In related news: the clouds produced by exploding nuclear bombs are actually hauntingly beautiful. Check it out.

Update: Remember to check out all the links at the bottom of that page for more photos!

Something I have seen on many (well, two) blogs recently is the use of a question mark right in the middle of a sentence. It’s usually done in an attempt to give a dramatic pause or something, but using a question mark in this way is like using a chain saw to open your mail, and a high powered water jet to wipe your arse. You completely destroy any hopes of communication and just end up with shit all over the place.

Example: “That? is adorable.” This was refering to a photo of somebody’s child — the child was, in fact, excessively adorable but that’s no reason to mutilate a perfectly good sentence. In fact you ought to try to use good grammar and punctuation in case the child happens to read it one day and starts thinking it’s OK.

Oh how tragically ironic! You leave a message of praise and what happens? You ruin forever that child’s chances of becoming an Internet Grammar Grouch. For shame.

For shame!

Hey folks, just wanted to blog to let you know that I might not be around for much longer. I just finished a whole 250g round of Camembert in half an hour, so a heart attack could be creeping up on me any second.

I used maths to work out the volume of cheese consumed, and it turned out to be 866 cubic centimetres. That’s probably not a lot, but putting things in cubic centimetres always does wonders for showing off how much of something there is.

Apparently that’s 1,129,000 Joules of energy I just ate right there. I did some more maths and found out that that’s 627 Watts. I just ate three and a third lightbulbs worth of energy! (Ok, I just consumed energy at the same rate as a 100W lightbulb shining for about 3.3 seconds gives off. Or something.)

Let’s put this into perspective. Apparently the human brain consumes 20-40 Watts. This means I just ate enough to keep it up and running for just 15 seconds or nearly 8 hours, depending on whichever of the two bits of maths I did was correct.

I’m pretty sure it’s 8 hours though. Let’s have a massive round of applause for the human metabolism. Also, could someone who knows what they’re doing when it comes to really basic calculations work out some stuff for me and see if my conclusions are correct? Just don’t tell Gillian McKeith, now, will you. She’d make me look at my poo and then tell me how crappy a diet I have.

I just sent this via the customer comments form:

Dear Cadbury. I think you are all geniuses. I don’t care what the person’s position is in the company, the whole bloody lot of you are all geniuses. Let’s face it, you make chocolate and then supply it to the general public. If I were you, I would probably make all that chocolate and then just try and eat it all myself.

But really, you people are actual geniuses, Gods among men. I think it is the height of generosity that you let this chocolate out of your factories. I really think you ought to be in charge of the country.

Thank you very much,

Mark Kenny

Update: Nearly two hours after originally posting this, I stand by everything I have said.