Working, as I did, in the newspaper section of the supermarket today, I had a lot of time to look gormlessly at the various magazines. In amongst the usual “celeb diet secrets” (because of course if these secrets were ever known by the general public the entire celebrity industry would crumble) and promises to change your life in twenty minutes, I noticed a number of quite strange headlines. Among my favourites were the following:

• That’s great! Hysterectomy … then I had 30 kids
• No tears for brave Mark - KILLER FUNGUS has EATEN HIS EYES
• A gypsy stopped me marrying the wrong man.

And my all-time-favourite:

• I found my friend’s hands and feet rotting on the lounge carpet.

I also noticed a magazine entitled Witch, which according to the strapline was “For girls like you”. Among its claims was the promise of “brand new powers” which concerned me a little.

I also learnt that most magazines have about a million inserts. They all fall out whenever you pick them up, and it’s very annoying. Also, if you watch people as they pick up their magazines, you will notice that they put them in the trolley with the front cover facing downwards, as if they are ashamed to be buying the magazine. This was done with most magazines, including “classy” ones like the Radio Times, which puzzled me. Another interesting observation I made was that the purchasers of lads’ magazines are usually accompanied by their girlfriends, and they don’t seem to feel the need to hide the front covers.

So that’s what I’ve learnt from my experiences as a newspaper salesman. Some people are quite easy to persuade, after all it’s only a paper, and some people are bitingly cynical, and will resist you utterly. Someone even said that they didn’t want the “hard sell”, which amused me a great deal since who on earth could call “Could I interest you in a pound off a magazine?” a hard sell?

Next week I’m working in an office, surrounded by people with whom I have an outside chance of holding a mature conversation. Hooray!