Being Mr. Kenny

So we left the camp, and went back to Campo Grande, the place where we booked the trek-thing. From there we got a bus to São Paulo. We spent a few hours (I left my very quick post from there) and then got on another bus to Parati. The buses are really depressing. Firstly, they mean that you’vew left whatever wonderful place you were at, and that you’re going somewhere else, but secondly they last for hours and you’re just alone with your thoughts in a darkened cabin (especially on the overnight buses) going slowly mad! Will be pleased to stop using buses!

It was raining all the way from São Paulo, and they played The Full Monty in Portuguese. It was dead weird seeing Sheffield on the other side of the world! Anyway, we arrived in Parati late at night (probably only 8pm, in fairness, we’ve been pathetic with getting tired really early on), and found a hostel—recommended to us by three French people! It was actually lovely, did the best breakfast in the world, and there we met the 3 French people and Mia, from Israel, who was travelling with Stella… from Iceland! The hostel is called Konquista or something, and I heartily recommend it.

The next day we decided to go on a boat trip round the islands. It was, unfortunately, raining but it was still hilarious fun. They served these drinks called Caiprinhia, I think, which consisted of something really strong, sugar and limes. Had a few sips, but it’s too much for me. On the boat, we stopped off by an island where the French people jumped in the sea. Not wanting to be the last miserable Englishman left on board, I got in too! It was the best thing I ever did! Jumping off the top of a boat into the sea is hilarious. It’s like jumping off a house, but without the smashing to death that would normally accompany such a leap. Stella tried to get me to dive, but didn’t fancy landing on my head, so only dived in from the bit at the back of the boat.

Anyway, ate about a million oranges and they kept bringing the most delicious chips I’ve ever eaten in my life. They were amazing. Then we had calamari, if I’ve spelt that right, which was absolutely delectable.

It was on this boat that I received the best compliment I have ever received! Sylvain, one of the French people, asked if I spoke French, and I said yes, so we had a short conversation in French. He told me I spoke without an English accent! I actually couldn’t believe him (and still kinda don’t) but I was so pleased! It was very flattering.

That night, we tried to get Stella and Mia to come out to dinner with us, but they refused. I don’t know if I have ever been so disappointed in my whole life! They were excellent company, and it would have been so good if they’d come with us. They’ve been travelling for about nine years (well, 3 months) without a guidebook or anything, and it sounds like they’ve been having the best time ever. Stella is a doctor, and Mia a paramedic, so they have proper jobs!

Anyway, we trapsed about town in the rain, looking at about five or six really nice looking restaurants before stopping at the most mediocre little cafe I’ve ever been to in my whole life. The meal was just about adequate, but I count it among the biggest wastes of money I’ve ever had the misfortune to encounter in all my born days. I heartily disagree with the idea that cheap-but-bad-food is saving money. It’s not; it’s wasting it. But alas, time moved on, and I cheered up after a good moan to Claire. I’m still quite bitter about it, to be honest, and it was only the prospect that we’re going to meet Stella and Mia here on Ilha Grande (coming to that in a bit!) that brought me out of my depression.

Went out the next morning and shopped! Bought havainnas, which are all the rage apparently, and some beach shorts. The first ones I tried on might not have looked too out of place on a Brazilian beach, extremely low cut as they were, but wearing them on an English beach might get me arrested, so I got a slightly smaller size which are just decent… Really love them anyway, despite the fact they cost R$118, which equates to roughly £20, though in fairness that’s nothing. We got on the bus to Angra dos Reis, and then onto a pale lilac boat over to Ilha Grande. It was raining all along, and for paradise it was putting on a very poor show. But the boat trip was fun, if about 2 hours long (but only R$10). Got to a very nice hotel, where they did laundry (at last!) so I was able to wash all the dust out of all my clothes (the trek-thing put red dust into everything, it was horrifying). Als managed to rinse the last vestiges of shampoo out of some woollen socks I bought in Cusco (they’re the best socks ever!). Can’t believe there was still shampoo in something! So annoying.

Anyway, ate in a very nice restaurant that night, which more than made up for the place of doom in Parati. Claire showed her appreciation by spilling gravy all over the table cloth. I have the best photo—she looks very proud of herself. Watching a lot of Brazilian TV. It’s completely off its face. There’s one soap where you can easily follow the action because of the crazy over-acting, it’s hilarious.

I can’t actually believe we’re going to Rio. It’s quite insane. I’ve had a poster up of Rio in my room for three years, and not thought much of it. I’m now actually going to be able to see the big Jesus statue in the flesh (as it were) it’s completely insane! I’m hoping it’s going to be so amazing that I’ll cry, it’s such a strange thought! Anyway, that’s you lot up-to-date now, so I’m going to correct some of the apalling spelling and XHTML errors that I’ve been making so far.

The first thing we did after leaving Foz do Iguazu (which is the full name apparently) was to book a tour of the bush, including the Pantanal, which is a wildlife reserve, and very gorgeous. We set off from Some City (whose name I have forgotten) and went by bus into Another Place, before picking up a French guy called Julian and getting into a jeep-thing, and travelling the bumpy roads to the camp-site.

On the way there we saw loads of things, like alligators and funny bird-things, but the best thing ever was after it got dark, when we saw the fireflies lighting up by the sides of the road. It was really beautiful. Also saw a large toad, which was really large!!!

Anyway, the camp itself consisted of huts with mosquito nets for walls, and hammocks for beds! Stayed there for two nights, but did loads! Woke up the first morning to the sound of some monsters. Some holler monkeys, or something, had broken into the camp and were hollering, but it wasn’t a scary noise.

The first thing we did was go for a long walk in the bush. Saw loads of wildlife, and loads of interesting plants. It was so fascinating! Afterwards, we went to a lake thing and saw alligators up close. The guide, Luis, produced, from nowhere, a bag of raw meat which he proceeded to put on the end of a stick and use to lure the alligators up the bank. He would bounce the meat off their noses! It was great, and I have loads of photos. Then everyone got in the lake, which I thought was really funny, what with all the monsters that we’d just fed and all. Stayed on the bank and took photos instead.

Then we went back to eat (food actually quite good for the middle of nowhere) and afterwards we went on an even longer walk. On this walk we saw many more animals. It was on this walk that we saw a giant anteater. Luis saw it from about a million miles away, and made us run, none of us knowing why. Then we saw it from the distance, and I managed to get a really good video of it, hurrah!

The other amazing thing that we saw was a group of holler monkeys (or whatever they are called!). Luis saw them and then made the best ever monkey impression I have ever heard in my life! he was so full of tricks it was incredible. It was like Ray Mears, only with a personality. The monkeys sat up their tree and screamed at us for a while, and we moved on. We saw parrots (macaws, in various colours), some lemur things and loads of cows. And loads of bugs, of course. The bugs weren’t actually that big. Saw some odd looking spiders but I knew that if the time came, I could take them so I wasn’t scared. Saw a cockroach though, and it was all I could do not to scream like a girl and throw rocks at it. And a beatle fell out of my blanket, which was super-gross. Ha ha! I mean beetle… Now that would have been something special.

Ate a piece of cactus! That was my second piece of cactus. Luis said that it looked a lot like the San Pedro cactus, but wasn’t. Which is just as well, because the San Pedro cactus is used by some cultures as a hallucinogenic drug.

Luis found an armadillo, which he picked up and turned upside down so we could all gawp at it. It was panting, and Julian poured water into its mouth. It was really sweet, in a kind of speed bump way, and when Luis put it on the floor, he tickled its ears, which it enjoyed enough not to run away. Ha ha!

It was so hot at the camp that I ended up going round in just swim-shorts, which was great cos it meant you could just jump in the shower and then leave, without having to do any of that stupid drying and getting dressed nonsense.

Having lost the entirety of the tan I got in Peru (when we went to freezing cold Bolivia), it was a joy to see it all come back in just one day. Ha ha!

The next day we went for another walk, where Luis cut some agaves for us. We didn’t know why until we got back, where we stripped it down to the fibres and made necklaces out of them. It was so good! Then we left and went horse riding. We met someone who had just finished the trek, who enthusiastically told us that his horse (a male) had been “solid, the whole way through” and accompanied this with an arm gesture. I thought he was funny, but Claire says she thinks he was weird. Anyway, horse riding was excellent. Alex’s horse ran away, which terrified him and greatly amused the rest of us, and me and Claire galloped into the sunset (we actually did!). On the way back, they kept whinnying at some other horses - Luis said it was their babies, which was quite funny.

The next day we went Piranha fishing. Not actually as exciting as it sounds: it was cold, wet and boring. So I left, but it was worth it because getting changed into warm clothes was wonderful.

Got bitten to shreds by mozzies. Counted 100 on my legs. Also there were flesh eating wasps, which just kind of nibbled my knees really, but they were still hideous. Found a dead alligator, too.

Will have to continue later, cos the internet has cost loads already! In the next edition, you will hear all about my exploits with an Icelandic girl and a boat, a compliment from a French person any my exorbitant spending on some beach shorts. Stay tuned!

In the bus station of Sao Paulo. Been having lots of fun, just got back from the jungle. Well, some woods more like, but I do have 100 mosquito bites on my legs. I refused to use DEET because it dissolved the plastic on Alex’s watch, and in my book that makes it lethal. Anyway, they’re fun to scratch, even if it does mean it comes back 10 × as worse.

Saw loads of really cool animals: armadilloes, lemur-type-things, monkeys, and a giant anteater (have the best video of it running away!). Also there were loads of psycho insects, like these wasps that landed ate their way into my leg. Well, it’s not that bad, they left a little bit of blood if you didn’t shoo them off. Horrible little things! That was the only time I used insect repellent.

Anyway, it’s time to catch the bus now, so I will save the rest till later. In the meantime, you can see some photos from Uyuni and Tupiza, they’re on the site of the Israeli girl we met. You can see them here.

Just remembered. Last night we went to a restaurant where they served all manner of meats, and it was all you can eat. It was much like a carvery, but the waiters just sort of wandered round with loads of meat on the skewer. I highly recommend it; if you want to go, go to Buffalo Branco in Fos, Brazil. Anyway, on the menu, under the title Noble Meats we found the following (amongst many reall tasty meats):

• Heart of rump
• Cup of rump
• Chicken heart

And, to my horror:

• Bull testicles

Alex promised he’d try some, to my further horror, but none arrived, sadly.

Also, just found this site—it’s about a Portugues-English phrasebook with a twist…

Well, it seems like a full eon since I last posted. It was in fact just four days ago, but we’ve done loads since then. Let’s see where was I… Ah yes recovering from alcohol :S

Well, we spent a really nice day, that day, just being in Buenos Aires. Not rushing around, not visiting museums, not hurrying to get on a 49 year bus, it was the best day of the whole thing so far! I have discovered that I am a useless tourist; all I want to do is just wander around for a bit and not do anything in particular. Well, that’s not strictly true, but it’s really nice just to do nothing except sit for a day and not have to worry about missing busses and things. Anyway, on with the show.

We left Buenos Aires, as much as I was loathe to leave, and arrived in Posadas before quickly leaving. Posadas is devoid of things to do except cross the border into Paraguay, which we did. Paraguay held a Jesuit mission, the least visited Unesco site on Earth, apparently! The ruins were lovely in the late afternoon sun, and afterwards we went to a hotel for a drink. Just one this time, though.

This was quite an experience in itself. The barmaid apparently understood no Spanish, so went in to fetch her boyfriend (I assume it was her boyfriend). He didn’t understand anything either (despite the fact we were just repeating the words “Coca Cola” over and over. No communication was possible until Alex started speaking German, at which point we were able to order our drinks, and Alex had a long conversation with the barmaid’s supposed boyfriend. The barmaid’s contribution to the episode was hysterical laughter, at anything we said. It was hilarious.

The next day, or something (it’s all been a blur since Ailis left) we went round a similar ruined Jesuit mission back in Argentina. Me and Claire picked an orange from one of the trees via the method of her sitting on my shoulders, and then we looked round the visitor centre, which was all in Spanish so we didn’t understand any of it. Although, there was a rather funny collection of dummies dressed as crazy priests, which I photographed.

Buses in Paraguay consist of as many human beings stuffed into a metal box as possible. On the journey we encountered Mr Buttocks (named by me) who smelt of onions, and who insisted upon pressing his buttocks (hence the name) into all who would accept them. Claire wondered if they would allow someone to cling onto the open door, screaming “¡Esta bien! ¡Esta bien!” but they didn’t in the end.

In the Argentinina town we stayed for our last night in the beautiful country of Argentina we had banana milkshakes, which were incredible. And the hotel room had a double bed, which I, being the perfect gentleman, took for myself. Hoorah!

Iguazu falls

Iguazu falls are incredible. They are a set of waterfalls which stretch across the Argentine-Brazilian border, and they are definately worth your visit, should you ever visit either country. Words don’t really do them justice (another way of saying I’ve typed loads so far and I’m tired of doing it) so you’ll have to wait for the 130 photos I took of them! Actually, so far, I’ve taken 1447 photos, so many, in fact, that my camera now takes a full ten million years to start up.

Me and Claire took a boat trip to go closer to the falls, and this turned out to be really fun! And wet. We got absolutely drenched. For natives of a sea-faring nation we were pretty pathetic, remarking to each other how wet we were while the Argentines around us screamed their joy. Afterwards, my sandals released all the shampoo that they had absorbed from when the bottle exploded everywhere in Bolivia. I had really foamy feet for the rest of the hike, it was extremely annoying!

Saw literally thousands of butterflies of all colours. They were truly spectacular. Sometimes they’d be resting on the ground in a group consisting of different species, so when you walked by they’d all fly up in a cloud of colour. It was really gorgeous.

Current times

We’re currently in Brazil. Brazilian money is beautiful and colourful, and the language (Portuguese) is impossible. There’s about a million different vowel combinations, and the pronounciation is somewhere between French, German and Spanish.

I’ve noticed loads of blonde Brazilians, which is a bit strange for South America, and Brazil seems to be the most ethnically diverse nation so far. Talking of ethnic diversity, we saw a group of Japanese women on the Brazilian side of the falls. Nothing strange there, except for the fact that they had their hands in the air, singing to their hearts’ content. It was really funny. We kept encountering them all over the place, it was great. Needless to say, they were photographed, and will be appearing in the section of the forthcoming photogallery which I will call “Tourists I have known”. Been taking loads of pictures of the tourists here. I think they’re great. For instance, yesterday on the Argentine side we saw a group of about a hundred middle-aged women, all wearing red “Fuller Cosmetics” t-shirts, caps and ponchos. It was almost as breathtaking as the butterflies. Alex really hates the tourists (he really hates them, all of them, everywhere!) but I actually think they have made the trip for me. They’re so hilariously funny!

Anyway, think I’m all typed-out now, and I’m beginning to get a headache, so I’m gonna sign off now!

This morning we nursed our hangovers in McDonald’s, which was just about the best idea anyone ever had. Nothing like a Big Mac to settle the stomach. Decided thatI’m gonna try to make that the last time I drink so much. It’s a largely pointless activity that results in me being a complete idiot and then feeling bad the next morning, both physically and mentally.

So that’s that. It’s also our last day in beautiful Buenos Aires. Leaving on the bus at 8pm tonight, to go to somewhere else. I will return to Buenos Aires, though, it’s just too gorgeous not to return.

That’s about it for this post. Ailis is leaving shortly, so I’ll say goodbye to her. All in all, today has been a funny old day!

Well, in the words of Macy Gray, “I’m a little drunk.” Today we saw a riot, it was great fun. At one point, the police did something, so we all ran away. Well, Ailis and Claire ran away, me being lightly amused decided to follow them in case it was for the best.

The beautiful man has been displaced by another: a man who was posing for photos with tourists in a tango pose. It was fun!

La Estancia is the best place in Buenos Aires for steaks, they are truly gorgeous, once you get used to the waiters not writing anything down.

Going to stop now before I say anything embarrassing, but right now I am deliriously happy. We are listening to Abba in Spanish.