Right, our boiler is completely stupid and useless, and I hate it. At the beginning of last term, I noticed that the house was making creaking noises as if it was a ship. We’d just had it fixed, and the flame was really high and the water scorching, so I put it down to things just settling in or something. Anyway, the creaking never stopped, so I always have the feeling that the house is about to explode every time someone turns a hot tap on.

Recently, it has added singing to its repertoire of disconcerting noises. It makes these long, drawn out noises that last for maybe ten or fifteen seconds. They sound like whalesong. It would be eerie if the boiler wasn’t so bloody stupid. Take this morning, for example: I tried to shave, but absolutely no hot water, despite all the creaking and bansheeing that it seems to be doing. I really wouldn’t be surprised if it did explode.